GRAHAM.

It hit me like a truck. It was like my heart got a kick that was long overdue.

How could I have missed it? You were always right there, right in front of my eyes the whole time and I could not see you. The signs were all there too loud and clear, and a little short of flashing neon lights and shouting “Notice me, you big fool.” I should have seen it.

But I see it now, I see all of it.

The way your smile is always a little warmer when directed to me. The way you always hold my hand when we are in a crowded place so that you don’t loose me. The way you always remind me to eat because I always get a little too wrapped up in my work. The way you always give me your full attention when we are with our friends and I am telling a story that no one is listening to. The surge of jealousy I always get when girls approach you. The way you always remove the carrots from my plate when we go out to eat because you know I do not like the taste of cooked carrots. The way you always walk me home even though we live on opposite sides of town.

And as we walked home after a night of eating and drinking and dancing with friends and you draped your coat on my shoulder and your intoxicating smell wrapped around me and sipped into my pores, I knew I had to tell you, tonight. It was a perfect night too. The stars were shining, the moon was full and the weather was just perfect. A warmth started filling my belly from excitement, anticipation and a little fear.

I kept looking for my opening to tell you but I kept chickening out. What if you didn’t feel the same way and I was just making things up in my head? What if you simply laughed at me and thought I was joking? What if I choked and could not find the right words? What if I said the wrong things? I know I was overthinking but I am not used to putting my heart on the line like this and I just do not know how to not overthink it.

But then you looked at me and smiled and I knew it was worth the risk; you were worth the risk.

We reached my apartment and I knew now was the time to tell you before I started overthinking again. We stood at my front door for five minutes as we stared at each other and I memorized every line and angle and scar on your face and I thought to myself, “How could I not have seen you?”

You must have seen something in my expression because you simply shook you head and said, “What took you so long?”

Then you placed the palm of your hand on my cheek and tangled the other in my hair and you kissed me.

Everything stopped.

I no longer felt the wind or the chill it brought. The crickets chirping in the distance quietened down as if they knew something big was going down. There was only you and me in that moment. The warmth of the palm of your hand on my cheek. The softness of your lips against mine. The feel of your body against mine and how perfectly we fit. In that moment everything was right in the world.

It started of light, two lips getting to know each other and then you tilted my head and the fireworks erupted. It was so much more than a kiss; it was the rediscovery of two souls that had once been separated and the righting of a world that was once askew. It was the unleashing of bottled up feelings and the discovery of eternal love.

And when the need for air became too much you simply pulled me closer and whispered in my ear, “I love you too.”

And as I whispered back the words lodged in my throat the whole night and in the calmness of the night, I knew you were my forever.

DO YOU DARE?

So, I am sitting here trying to study for my assessment test but all I can think about is how hard we sometimes make our lives.

And we have no one to blame but ourselves. Okay. So let me expound on this.

There you are pinning over a girl or a guy and thinking what a wonderful couple you would be or how much you love him or her but you never tell them how you feel. You’re just sitting there willowing in your own self-pity and making up all these ifs and whats and whys you can’t or won’t tell them how you feel while simultaneously making up this whole future life with the both of you as the stars. And I mean the whole production. You have the location of your house, the number of rooms, how many kids you will have, you’ve even picked out their names for heaven’s sake.

If you are so ballsy to imagine this whole life with this person and you are absolutely sure that what you are feeling is love and not some stupid crush or infatuation then you should take those same balls and go up to him or her and just tell them what you feel.

If you do not have the word to express what you feel I’ll help you out. Go up to him or her look him in the eye and say, ‘Hey so I have given this some thought and I have decided to come clean and tell you that I have loved you for some time now and that I still love you,’ and if he is taken just quote Meredith Grey from Grey’s Anatomy, ‘Pick me, choose me.’ And now the ball is out of your hands and in her/his court.

Worst case scenario he/she doesn’t feel the same way and it’s awkward and you never have the courage to talk to him/her again.

Best case scenario he/she love you too and you get married and all the things that you dreamt about actually come into realization. Bottom line is you have no regrets and no more ifs and whats and whys since you now know how he/she feels and you can get over him/her or start getting to know each other intimately.

And if you are the recipient of this love declaration, please be gentle. If you have to let them down, please let them down easy and remember karma is sitted somewhere watching, so the tables can be turned.

So, what are you waiting for?

Love is a beautiful feeling but it may turn ugly when not expressed. Make your life a little easier.

Go tell him/her that you love them, shout it from the rooftop, whisper it in his ear when it’s dark and it feels like the right time, write him a letter: whichever way you decide to do it, just do it.

I dare you.

Oh, and GOOD LUCK

DEAR MEN.

‘I don’t like the person that I am when I hurt you cause in those moments, I desert you. And I realize I don’t deserve you but I am praying on my knees I’m hoping you don’t leave me. But you can do so much better please believe me. So, I won’t blame you if you leave me.’

Those are the lyrics of a song that I have been searching for but I have yet to find the full song. Those four lines were the background music of a video I was watching. I cannot remember what the video was about because the lyrics of this song just made me so mad that I zoned out for a few minutes.

So, we have this man who hurts his girl constantly and he feels shitty about it and about himself in the moment he is hurting her or after he has hurt her, so it is safe to assume that he has feelings for her, right?

And that is what baffles me, because he goes on to say that he hopes she does not leave him. And I’m like “COME ON!!”

I know love can be complicated and it takes time to make it work, and by now you should know that I love love. I love the feeling of being in love, I love watching people who are in love, I love listening to love songs: anything to do with love, you can count me in.

But when a relationship becomes abusive, that is where I draw the line. And abuse does not have to be physical. He doesn’t have to hit you; words can be a tool to inflict pain too.

These lyrics are so messed up yet so relevant to what is happening today.

They showcase what is messed up with our generation, he knows he hurts her and that she deserves better and he still had the audacity to go down on his knees and hope she doesn’t leave him. And that last line, ‘I won’t blame you if you leave me’ as if he would have the right to blame her after her hurt her. Men, please do better.

And this time I am not even going to talk to women and tell them to walk away. This time I am addressing the men, the ones who inflict the pain.

Men if you really love her and you hate how much you hurt her then you should grow a pair and either stop hurting her or leave her. Stop blaming your anger issues or saying that she provoked you to anger. You are a full-grown man who can, hopefully, reason like an adult. If she is provoking you to anger then leave the argument and come back when you are both calm and then you can reason it out like adults. If you have anger management issues attend a meeting to help you control it or devise a way to keep it in check. And if this fails then you have no business being in a relationship. As long as you can’t control your anger and you let your anger control you and makes you raise your hand on your woman or say words structured in a way that is meant to hurt her, stay single.

You should be protecting her; you should not be the reason that she needs protecting.

So, stop begging for a second or third or millionth chance, stop apologizing and swearing that it will never happen again because you and I both know that IT WILL happen again and she does deserve better (the only part of those lyrics that I actually agree with). Maybe she loves you too much to leave so you have to make the decision to walk away. I’d rather you leave her with a broken heart than broken bones. If you really love her, you know she needs to be loved properly so you need to let her go so that you can both do better.

SO, CHANGE OR WALK AWAY. There is no in between.

The guy in the hoodie.

I was scrolling through my social media today and this video came up. It was a regular looking guy in a hoodie and glasses and he was sat in front of his mirror recording himself. There was nothing special about the video really, no added effect, no effort to make it look cool even when it’s not. It was simple and I fell in love with it.

The guy said something that really hit home for me. He said ‘I only ever thought that there were two kinds of love in this world: the kind of love that you would kill for and the kind of love that you would die for. And then I met you, and darling you are the kind of love I would live for.’

I know, I know, it sounds cheesy and most of you have already heard it before but I hadn’t. There was something about it that just struck me as endearing. I won’t deny that I am a hopeless romantic but this was something more than that.

Most people feel love every day. Feeling love for someone or something is easy and sometimes it’s a simple reflex. You see a cute dress, you love it. You see a beautiful baby, you love it. Like right now, I love the fact that you are reading this, but I am not in love with you {no offence}. This is not the falling in love, I’d go to the end of the end of the earth for you kind of love, no. This kind of love just last for a few minutes or hours or at most a few days. Falling deeply and desperately and hopelessly in love with someone and the person loving you the same way is the elusive dream that we are all searching for to some extent. I love this kind of love but it’s not the love that got to me in that statement. It’s the ‘I would live for’ and this is why.

LIVING IS HARD. I know this is me generalizing and that some people have really good lives but for the vast majority, living is hard. You have to live through the heartbreaks, the disappointments, the loss of loved ones, getting sick, getting hurt physically, being broke, having nothing to eat or nowhere to sleep. There is just a lot about life that makes me pause and think, ‘Really? This is what you want me to go through.’ Because most of life challenges have to be experience, you can’t just decide, ‘No I don’t want that part of life, I want that one. Give me that one, the good one.’

I’m not saying that it’s all bad, there some moments that are worth living for. When you finally graduate, when you get the job you have been dreaming of, when you get the house you have always wanted or simply having a really delicious meal or getting a really cute dress or making an awesome friend. Just little things or big things that give us the strength to carry on.

So, finding a love that is worth living for means a love that is strong enough to make you want to wake up every day even when you don’t want to. A love that makes you smile even when you are having a shitty day. A love that makes you try a little harder no matter how impossible the chances of success may seem. A love that gives you something to look forward to everyday. A love that makes the bad days worth going through. The kind of love that gives you the strength to go through this shitty, f’ed up life. And I think that is pretty powerful.

THE LETTER.

  Dear Hanah,

I never thought this would happens to us but it is just the way life is, with its unexpected twists and turns. I wish it was a different twist, a different turn but this is the hand we have been dealt and we have to figure it out.

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do but for you, my love, I have to do it.

On our wedding day I promised you a forever of so much joy and I promised I will always be by your side through everything. I said it because I meant it and I have dedicated my life to making sure I uphold my vows to you. I promised I’d be strong for you but I don’t think I can. The pain is just too much and I don’t think I can take anymore. The cancer has taken so much from us and I know we promised to fight it together but my body is slowly shutting down and the pain medication are no longer helping.

I hate that I am putting you through this. We are supposed to be happy and young and stress free and enjoying our life. Instead we are hospital hopping looking for just an inkling of hope. Just something that can keep us together a little while longer. I hate that I don’t even have enough strength to hold you anymore. I hate that you cry yourself to sleep every night when you think I am asleep. I hate that you have to do everything for me. I hate that all we talk about anymore is my cancer. I even hate the fact that you don’t argue with me anymore because you don’t want me to get worked up.

I want everything to go back to how it was. I want us to argue so loudly that our faces turn blue then kiss and and have amazing make up sex. I want to hug you and lift you off your feet and spin you around. I want us to talk about that neighbor that keeps smoking weed and the other one who keeps complaining about it. I want us to go to sleep happy. I want our lives back and everything to go back to how it was before.

We had so many plans but it seems I won’t be able to see them through.

I am so sorry Hanah that I am going to break my vows but I do not have the strength to carry on. It is killing me to write this but I need you to know that I tried. I tried holding on for as long as I could. I tried to spend as much time with you as possible. I tried so hard but I physically can’t do it anymore.

I am writing this letter to tell you that you were the ultimate love of my life. So many people go through life without feeling the depth of feelings that I have for you, so no matter what happens I want you to know: no, I need you to know I am grateful for the time we had, no matter how short. You are my forever, my light when it’s dark, my shelter in the cold, the meaning behind every one of my thoughts, every thrum of my pulse, every whisper of my consciences. You are my absolute world.

No matter what may happen I need to know that you will keep your heart open and remember me fondly. I cannot bear the thought of you crying so I need you to be strong for me.

I want you to be happy even though I may not be around. I need to know that you will try to be happy when I am gone.

I love you Hanah, now and forever, in this life and the next.

Jonnie.

TOMORROW.

I found the letter today.

I finally had enough strength to start sorting through your stuff. And right there in the bottom drawer was a white envelope with my name on it. It stopped me dead in my tracks. I would recognize your handwriting from anywhere.

I just stood there and stared at it, too afraid to touch it in case it was just a fragment of my imagination, too afraid to blink in case it disappeared if I did.

I took it out of the drawer and traced my finger over the curvy lines of my name on the envelope. I turned it over and unsealed it. But that was as far as I could go.

It was hard enough to sort though your clothes. I don’t think I have any strength left to read the letter.

Tomorrow. I will read it tomorrow.

THE WALL.

I have been staring at this wall for what feels like hours. My therapist said that I should write down what I feel but I cannot find the words that sufficiently describe what it is I am feeling. The pages of the note book she gave me are still blank and not because I don’t know what to write: it’s because I have so many thoughts running through my mind that I cannot concentrate on one long enough to write about it. At least that is what I keep telling myself.

But the truth is I feel like if I write about it then it really is true and I don’t think I am ready to accept it yet. It’s long overdue, I know, for me to still be in denial but I need more time. I had my whole world come crashing down in just a few seconds I think I am entitled to take as much time as I need to fully understand what happened and to let it all sink in.

What worries me the most is the fact that I have not cried yet. I am envious of all the people that cried during the ceremony. But if I start crying, I don’t think I will be able to stop. Each time tears start welling up in my eyes I take a deep breath and push them down. I need to learn how to simply breath without it hurting my chest first. If I do start crying with this constant pain in my chest and the ball in my throat, I don’t think I’ll survive.

So, I am going to take some more time to wrap my head around the fact that I will never see you again, or hear your voice or your laugh or touch you. I am going to take as much time as I need to sew back my heart that is now in two. And I am going to take my time to mourn the end of my world as I knew it. I am going to take my time to gather enough strength to start to build a world without you.

But until then I am going to sit here and stare at this wall and the blank pages of this book only then will I…

He did it again today and I know he promised it won’t happen again and I promised myself that if it did happen again, I’d leave but I don’t know if I can.

We had such a great morning. We woke up and showered together under the pretence of saving water but we really did not give a sh** about the environment, the only thing on our mind was how many big O’s we could get before work.

• 

We got dressed and exchanged looks and touches of two people who were familiar with each other and could not keep their hands off each other. We had breakfast and went to work. He called me an hour later to make sure I got to the office safely and told me he had a busy day and might be home late which was not unusual given his line of work.

I had a full day of work and there were some complications with some deliveries so I got delayed. And my phone ran out of battery at around noon since I forgot to plug it in yesterday before going to bed. These may seem like totally random and unrelated events but they caused all of this.

I did not make it home until well past nine o’clock and he was already home. As always, I went up to him for a kiss but he roughly pushed me off but not before I got a good whiff of his vodka stenched breath.

“Where we you?” he asked.

“Well hello to you too,” I replied under my breath but apparently it was not quiet enough

I know I should not have given him attitude especially in his inebriated state but I had had a long day and I was tired and hungry and I just wanted to eat and sleep and I definitely did not have the time or energy to deal with my drank boyfriend.

He took a step closer and glared at me.

“I asked, where were you?”

“I was at the office, where else would I have been.”

“It’s almost ten o’clock Naomi, since when does work run that long?”

“There were some problems with deliveries and we all had to stay late to deal with it. What the hell is your problem, you said YOU were going to work late today and I did not cause a fuss.” I said as I put down my bag and removed my heels.

“Then why were you not answering your phone?”

“Because Eric, it ran out of battery. Look, I’m hungry and tired and I just want to go to bed can we just talk about it tomorrow?”

“Was he there?” he asked quietly, too quietly.

“Was who where?”

“Don’t play dumb with me Naomi. Was that guy from your office, Shmiz or whatever his name is, was he there?” he shouted.

“You know his name is Smith and yes he was there. I already told you the whole office had to stay late and he does work in the office” I answered getting irritated.

“I knew it. You were with him, weren’t you? You lying, cheating b****” he shouted even louder.

“What the hell is the matter with you Eric how many times do I have to tell you that work ran over late and WE ALL had to stay late. I was not with Smith; I was at work working and it just so happens he works in the same office. And don’t you dare accuse me of cheating we all know who the cheater is in this relationship.” I shouted right back. He was really starting to get on my nerves.

“It was one time and I already apologized how long are you going to hold that over my head?” he answered in a lower voice.

“Eric, I am tired, I have had a long day and I think it’s best if I just head to bed. We won’t solve anything with you being that drank.” I conceded.

“I am not drunk. I just had a few shots to ease some stress. And stop trying to change the subject I know you were with Smith,” he shouted again.

“You know what, I am not dealing with you tonight. I’ll just pack a bag and go stay with my sister tonight and when you sober up give me a call,” I said tiredly.

“You’re not going anywhere. I know your planning to run off to your little lover boy. Don’t you dare walk away from me Naomi I’m still talking to you. NAOMI, GET BACK HERE,” he shouted loud enough for the whole neighbourhood to hear.

I should have seen it coming. He had that look in his eye, the one that always signalled trouble.

 He grabbed me by the elbow and then I felt my head snap back and a resounding crack and a stinging on my cheek and for a moment I was in shock. He promised he would never do it again. He bought me flowers and fell on his knees and apologized with tears running down his face. He looked me right in my eyes and promised, swore, it would never happen again and each time I actually believed him like the fool I am.

I should have known better. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I am smarter than this but somehow when it comes to him all logic flies out the window.

I do not know what set him off, maybe it was how I simply stood there looked at him after he hit me or maybe it was because I did not make a sound when he hit me, but he just snapped.

He started hitting me and kicking me and I was no match for him so is simply laid curled up on the floor trying to shield my head from the raining of blows and kicks. And he kept shouting and cursing and calling me all sorts of names and I was absolutely defenceless. I kept pleading and crying and begging him to stop but it just kept getting worse and he kept hitting me harder each time I asked him to stop. My voice became hoarse and I had no more tears to shed but he just kept going and I just laid there and took it. And when he grew tired, he just walked away and went to sleep.

And as I picked myself up from the floor with pain shooting from the tip of my head to my toes, I did not know what to do.

I examined my wound and checked for any cracked bones, something I have learnt from the numerous ER visits I have courtesy of Eric’s temper. I checked my ribs that had started bruising and turning and ugly black yellowish colour and winced as I cleaned the cut on my lip and forehead.

As I did this, I thought to myself: do I leave even though I love him beyond reason or do I stay and run the risk that one day he might kill me?

I know he didn’t mean to do it and he did not mean all those things he said. It’s the alcohol, it makes him a different person. He loves me just as much as I love him, his rage and jealousy just get the best of him sometimes. Maybe I should not have argued with him. Maybe I should have just apologized and left it alone. Maybe…. Maybe I am just lying to myself and making up excuses for him and I have to take care of myself first and leave before it’s too late and all that is left is my body in a body bag.

But am I strong enough to do it?

FOR HELP, CALL.

: +254(0)20-4283000

THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND.

Sometimes I feel like I am standing at the edge of a cliff and there is this dark bottomless pit in front of me. One foot is dangling off the ground and over the pit and no matter how much I want to put it back on solid ground there is a force that just keeps me there. I am tethering on the edge, my eyes fixed in front of me unseeing, feeling the pull and the endlessness of the pit but seeing nothing. This feeling is always accompanied by a feeling urging me to put my foot back on the ground, turn around and walk into the light but it is just but a whisper compared to the shout telling me to keep my foot over the edge and tempt fate. I want to go into the light, I really do but I long for the silence that comes with the darkness, the numbness. The darkness, it calls me by name, it wants to surround me in its blanket and keep everyone away. I want to talk to someone about it, I should talk to someone about it but I fear they will think I’m crazy and I know they will never understand why I crave the darkness. So, I will stand on this cliff with one foot off the ground; dangling over the edge and as my heart beats faster and faster and faster I will not make a sound as I go over the edge and be surrounded by the darkness that I so long for.

MIDNIGHT THOUGHTS

It is funny some of the reasons why people break up sometimes. And some reasons are downright pathetic. Some are not even reasons, just excuses because you want an out: but if I get into that now I’d get side tracked. So back to the more realistic reasons why people break up.

I personally think the best reason to break up, okay there is no best reason to break up, but if I had a knife to my neck and I had to choose which way was the best reason to break up with someone I’d choose falling out of love. It may sound sad and it is sad but it comes gradually and most times you feel the break up coming and prepare for it, as much as one can prepare for a heartbreak. I’d choose this because there is no anger or resentment, you may hurt for a while but you know it was best for the both of you to end it. You just wake up one morning and realize you just don’t feel the same way you did for him or her anymore. And most of the time the feeling is mutual. So you both agree to end things and ta-da, you’re single again.

My worst reason for breaking up, and you don’t have to put a knife to my neck for this one, is when they betray you or do something that you find unforgivable. I had this argument with some of my friends a while back and they were arguing that nothing is unforgivable, that to love is to forgive, to love is to accept the good and the bad in that other person. I sort of agreed with the last part but I think the rest of it was a whole load of BS. I get that you should forgive, I do, but I simply cannot forgive the same mistake over and over and over again. I have a breaking point and I have to keep some of my dignity intact. I cannot have you play me for a fool time and again and like a love sick puppy keep running back into your arms just because you apologized. I am simply not built like that. That proverb, fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me, I live religiously by it. But if I specifically told you that that was the one thing I cannot forgive, brah you ain’t even gotta do it twice. Just try do that s*** one time and I am out. It may sound petty, but that is just MY opinion.

But the hardest thing about breaking up with someone after they broke your trust and betrayed you is how much things change and how much you hurt. This person that you loved with every ounce of your strength just becomes this creature that you cannot stand. The butterflies you used to get from seeing them or simply hearing their name turns into a pain that twist your stomach and makes you sick. The way your heart used to skip a beat or beat faster whenever you’re with him, you heart still beats faster but now it’s out of anger and the pain that he put you through. And how he made you weak at the knees, now your knees cannot hold you up because the pain keeps resonating through-out your body. Those little things he did that you used to find cute, now they just annoy the hell out of you.

And how you thought they were the most handsome or beautiful person in the world, you now can’t stand to look at them anymore because they have become this unattractive human being that you don’t know anymore and I think this is the hardest part. This person who was your person, who you shared all your hopes and dreams and fears and joy with, has become this person you no longer recognize. How do you even deal with that?

But this is all just my opinion. If you can forgive them, forgive them. If you want try to make it work after you have both fallen out of love, good for you and I wish you all the best. And if you have any other reasons for breaking up or not to break up, it’s all up to you. Follow your head or your heart or whatever works for you. Just remember to put yourself first. And if it’s not working out, always remember there are many fish in the sea and many ways to fish, just go fishing.